Monday, October 27, 2008

Scandal Rocks the Clepper Camp

The NY Times reported today that Mr. X is not the bacon backer he pretends to be! It seems the bogus bacon believer is busted! Lately, Clepper has been seen eating CANADIAN BACON! Not only is he eating it, but he is talking with the Prime Minister of Bacon for Canada "Jos Bleau" (pronounced "Joe Blow") over the bacon meals. The conversations have largely been focused on outsourcing Americans Bacon industry to Canada, thereby eliminating American Bacon as we know it today. This will surely take the wind out of the sails of the Clepper group which has largely been funded by Big Bacon throughout this campaign.

We caught up with Clepper outside a hockey game where he was hanging out with some mounted police, Celine Dion, and a Moose. He had this to say about the scandal, "I love bacon as much as any red-blooded artery-clogged American. These claims are an outrage, eh! If you will excuse me, I am late for my appointment to be fitted for a new tuque."
Baconation will follow this story closely and will break into your regularly schedule web surfing with any new developments.


Pork_BUTT said...

I also found this:

"When the opposition was asked to comment on the recent scandal rocking the Bacon Party, they had this to say:

McCain's campaign issued a statement, "We have always supported American Bacon and it's place in America. The Bacon market is a primary concern to our nation and will be treated as such." The statement went on to question the service record of Clepper and Larkin, and when in formed of Bacon's service at both IHOP and Waffle House as well as Denny's, the campaign backed off it's rhetoric and simply said that all military kitchens will serve only red, white and blue bacon.

The Obama camp responded with this rejoinder:
"This is a shameful situation, America has had a long love affair with foreign bacon, and this only proves the Bacon Party's own inability to divorce itself form that addiction. My plan of removing our dependency on foreign bacon will not be easy, but it will eliminate issues like this from occurring again in our great nation's future" Joe Biden just flashed a smile.

Clepper has been renounced by the American Bacon Association and is facing heavy criticism from within his party.

Sarah Palin added her own statement, "Well, yah, Canada's pretty much an empty place. And for being the 51st state they sure make a lot of higgledy-piggledy over a little ham. But, I guess now that the pig's outta the barn, you can't put lipstick on her..."

America waits with bated breath (and a large serving of REAL Bacon), the response from the Clepper camp to these charges."

Fascinating, where do we turn now for leadership, in this, our darkest hour?

Pork_BUTT said...

"Further tremors of this event have surfaced in the crashing of porkbelly futures this morning. When asked for comment, a Stern Bear replied," This has to be the worst I've ever seen it. I hope Clepper realizes what this means for all of us in the pork product industry. The implications to the market are staggering." And then he grumpily padded off into the woods.

There is no end in sight for the beleaguered campaign. Now awash in scandal and struggling in the deep morass of it's own grease droppings, the Clepper/Larkin ticket's hopes are dim at best. Bacon may be in it's darkest hour. Sometimes that is just before the dawn, and sometimes, that is on the ramp to the kill floor of the slaughterhouse. We shall only find out which it is at the end of this long and greasy road."

-the New York Times, by Laniator Porcus