Sunday, December 14, 2008

Drunken fiend damands bacon!

Artists are a funny breed. Take this young buck for instance. Clearly dedicated to his art yet we still see sings of his bullishit existentialism. From this picture alone we can determine he has not fully committed to the art. What the fuck is he doing with that guitar? Any asshole can BaconWave some ham, but to achieve true art, one needs to fry that shit! You can't expect to become an artisan of ham while masturbating your day away with frivolous pursuits like music or curing aids or some other egregious frivolity. One needs to fully commit oneself to the cause. Monet didn't paint while fucking around with Nintendo at the same time. This "gentleman" has a lot to learn about art and even more about bacon.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Its a Bird, Its a Plane, Its...


I'm not a praying man, but if you are up there, save me Baconman! ...and you too Baconman's sidekick, Bacon Bit.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I wanna wowwipop... with bacon!

I can hear what you are reading out there... you read the title and wondered if there could be a lolly with bacon in it and your name on it! Well, Baconites, I am not sure you're name will be on it, however we have uncovered a boon sent by the lords of candy! "Nonsense!" You say?!? "Shenanigans!" you call?!? Well, I call your nonsense... and your shenanigans, and raise them to reality!

The good people at Lollyphile, who are also the creators of the Absinthe Lollipops have produced a marvel in Maple-Bacon Lollipops! Yes! They are a reality... and truly can be yours! It can be argued that snacking during the day can either help or hurt you in you're quest to gain the body you've always wanted. So while you read and search about the best ways to achieve your goal, you can actually burn and take in calories, by popping one of these beauties into mouth and suck your way to good health! Now it could be argued that taking in pure Vermont maple syrup and bacon can be bad for you, however, think of this... your body is working hard just to take it in! If nothing else, your body won't gain or lose weight, plus you get your bacon and sugar at the same time! Genius! Now Baconites, sally forth and go suck it!

Addition to keyboards?

Hail Baconites! This image has been seen in many places around the 'Net, however it has not been seen enough on real keyboards! It has also been discussed in many places, and yet, and yet, yes I said that twice - wait, and yet, three times, we have not, NOT seen action taken. Why you may ask - is it a conspiracy? Would non-bacon eating peoples be offended? What would actually happen if you pressed the "Bacon" key - surely not bacon would appear? Well Baconites, we will not know if we don't explore this issue, which is why you may wish to contemplate asking our US government to sponsor a study to explore this potentially amazing concept! The only potential snag, is that another politician would also suggest a sub-study, if you will to uncover why a tasty diet beverage does not materialize after the "Tab" key has been pressed. However, we must continue to endeavor to persevere and seek out our state and federal Representatives to consider a study on the Bacon key! Nay demand it! It's your right as an American! Hell, even if you're not an American - demand it! Why? Because when you need bacon, you should be able to press a button on your keyboard and get some damn bacon! Go forth Baconites and demand!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Bacon Abroad

Ever travel abroad and needed to order bacon but didnt know what bacon was on the menu? Here is a handy guide!

Canadian: Real American Bacon, none of your crap!
Chinese: 烟肉
French: Lard (stupid frenchies!)
German: Speck
Greek: μπέϊκον
Hebrew: ........
Italian: Pancetta Affumicata (takes too long.)
Japanese: ベーコン
Korean: 베이컨
Russian: бекон
Spanish: Tocino
Everywhere cool: Bacon

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Pucker Up!

Hey ladies! You know how to get your man smoochin your ugly face? Buy some bacon lip balm! He will forget that he is kissing a pig and think he is kissing a cooked pig.
Order now, you aint gettin prettier.