Dark Rumors

There is a report at this hour, that the Bacon Party is awash in Scandal...

From the New York Times: "The Bacon Party today, after it's revelation that candidate Mr. X was found to be a Canadian Bacon Sympathizer, is now reeling from the hint that it's Vice Presidential Candidate has been linked to nefarious activities, including the consumption of Turkey Bacon, or Facon, as it is known to Baconists. This is leading to all out infighting in the Bacon Party ranks.
The Party is trying to keep itself whole, all the while being rent by allegations and the desire for "inclusiveness". Party insiders tell this reporter that there is a growing movement within the Bacon Party to expand it's borders and to be more of a "Big Pan" party, to open itself up to non-pork based bacon products.
Bacon Fundamentalists within the party find this inconceivable. While they do admit to the existence of these products, they hold them to be substandard and non-Bacon-y products, lacking the inherent goodness of true Bacon. Their lack of salt curing, and their out and out "flaunting" of their non-porcine origins enrage some in the more pork-centric wing of the party.
Meanwhile, there is a growing number of Baconists that feel that it is time to lay down the old prejudices against non-pork bacon, and to accept it. There are many reasons given by the Progressive Baconists. Among them, the need for a "kinder, gentler" Bacon Party. Also, they feel that the duty of bacon is to include all foods that desire to be like bacon, and they wish to see that trend applauded from within the party itself.
While the Bacon Party appears to be staying its course, for the moment, this is nonetheless, "out of the frying pan and into the fire" for the campaign. With its chitlins laid bare, so to speak, the Bacon Party must now rally internally and find some common ground to proceed from. Most analysts agree that the hardest part is yet to come. Will the Clepper/Larkin ticket be able to ask forgiveness a la Jim Baker? Or will it be the Teflon Frying Pan approach of Bill Clinton? Or yet again, the crispy and honest talk like we once saw from Ronald Reagan?
No one knows yet how the camp will respond, but you can bet it will be with bacon in their hearts, well arteries anyway, and a tasty smell of bacon and hope in the air."

Scandal Rocks the Clepper Camp

The NY Times reported today that Mr. X is not the bacon backer he pretends to be! It seems the bogus bacon believer is busted! Lately, Clepper has been seen eating CANADIAN BACON! Not only is he eating it, but he is talking with the Prime Minister of Bacon for Canada "Jos Bleau" (pronounced "Joe Blow") over the bacon meals. The conversations have largely been focused on outsourcing Americans Bacon industry to Canada, thereby eliminating American Bacon as we know it today. This will surely take the wind out of the sails of the Clepper group which has largely been funded by Big Bacon throughout this campaign.

We caught up with Clepper outside a hockey game where he was hanging out with some mounted police, Celine Dion, and a Moose. He had this to say about the scandal, "I love bacon as much as any red-blooded artery-clogged American. These claims are an outrage, eh! If you will excuse me, I am late for my appointment to be fitted for a new tuque."

Baconation will follow this story closely and will break into your regularly schedule web surfing with any new developments.

Olympic Bacon Controversy

BREAKING NEWS!!! This just in. Slow motion replay has discovered that the Chinese mens Gymnastics team used performance enhancing bacon to win themselves the gold medal. As you can see above I just obtained pictorial evidence of this blatant disregard of the rules. The picture clearly illustrates the China-man indulging on a slice of bacon, with many backup slices of bacon in his hands.

Bacon clearly would give anyone an unfair advantage do to its deliciousness and awesomeness. No wonder China won so many gold medals during the 2008 Olympic games, they were all on bacon! Those darn Chinese, what will they think of next?